Day 70 - Friday, December 11th

What made me smile today?

* Baby eating the miniature ice cream at Fortnum & Mason * Baby seemingly in Baby heaven as he played with ALL the tins on the ground floor of Fortnum & Mason * Baby figuring out how to slide out the price tag on the shelf, and then proceeding to slide out as many price tags as possible (I gave up putting them back after a while) * Baby enjoying story time at the library * Baby hugging me while I was carrying him in my sling * Baby making sheep noises on the tube because he saw sheep on one of the ads

What triggered me today?

I'm so happy with the way I handled Baby's tantrum at Fortnum & Mason (in short he didn't want to leave) but then all the good work that went into that went out the window when I lost my temper at him when we were getting dinner ready. I got him to help me put the cauliflower onto the oven tray (I've figured out recently he's happier when he can help) but tonight he decided to do his own thing and instead of putting the cauliflower onto the tray he tried to pour the cauliflower out, and in doing so also poured out some of the water from the bowl onto the tray. I got excessively angry, but really he was probably meandering more tonight because he was hungry, tired and overstimulated. Meanwhile all I could think of was that he wasn't listening to me (it had slowly built up...) and I lost it :(

What would I have done differently today?

I would have not lost my temper - easy to say hard to do, because it had also been a long day for me, and I was running on low too.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember voice, triggers, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

Being able to work part time so that I can spend more time with Baby. Discovering story time at the library a few weeks ago.

Day 69 - Monday, November 16th

What made me smile today?

Baby pointing to a man's umbrella on the tube today, and when I said 'umbrella' he put his hand on his head so I said 'yes the umbrella goes over your head to stop your head from getting wet from the rain'

Seeing Baby in an unexpected part of the nursery today when I went to pick him up, and when he saw me he ran over to me and hugged my legs

Baby seeing and then pointing to the mound of hair on the table (happened to be his hair which I'd been cutting during the evening) and when I said that's your hair he touched the part of his head where I'd been cutting his hair

And the funniest - I gave Baby a biscuit (speculoos Shetsie!) for dessert after dinner tonight and he was happily munching away at it. Then he tried to break it into smaller pieces by pulling it apart, so I showed him how to snap the biscuit, and once it had been snapped into about 3 small pieces he proceeded to stuff all of them into his mouth, and then pointed to the corner where I keep the biscuits. At that point I realised he wanted more (he knows that I won't give him more of anything while he's still holding food in his hands) and so I told him he was only having 1 biscuit for dessert. He then took out 2 of the pieces from his mouth and ended up slowly eating the rest of his biscuit, savouring each little bite.

What triggered me today?

Nothing - I knew he would be upset while I cooked and washed up the dishes after dinner, but time apart during the day meant I had loads of patience for his upset antics. I think on a home day I would not have acted so well...

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember voice, triggers, be gentle, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Baby safe and sound in my arms today - we are still in something of an aftermath following the Paris attacks on Friday.

Day 68 - Tuesday, November 10th

What made me smile today?

The huge smile on Baby's face as he ran towards me when I came to pick him up from nursery

Baby waving (kind of) and blowing kisses (kind of) for the first time when I dropped him off at nursery

Baby looking for my belly button on the tube, thinking I didn't know what he was doing, then giggling when I caught him out

What triggered me today?

Nothing - I knew Baby would want me to not wash up the dishes and spend time with him instead... he just cried though instead of running around doing everything he wasn't allowed to do. The former meant I could still get on with finishing the washing up, the latter would have probably triggered me and been more of a challenge.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember to be gentle, voice, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

The incredibly smooth pooey nappy change we had after dinner. It usually is anything but.

Day 67 - Monday, November 9th

What made me smile today?

Baby insisting on wearing his wellies (clean! never been worn out!) inside and clomping about in them

Baby lying down on the mat for his nappy change

Baby sitting so still on my lap while we were at the doctor's surgery waiting for my chicken pox jab to be ready - and he even gave me a hug

What triggered me today?

So, as you might have noticed, I have been absent for the past few weeks thanks to fun, busy, tiring times with the house guest, and then the many days it usually takes for me to get back into the swing of things. In the past few weeks I've had a lot of ups and downs with Baby... and I've had to really think about what is triggering me, and how I can deal with it better. So while there were no triggers today I have been triggered many times over the past few weeks, always because Baby was trying to get my attention with negative behaviour, trying so hard to get my attention because I've been busy with cooking/cleaning/preparing. He's not very good at amusing himself while I'm busy. I just have to remember to be patient while he learns how to do that. I have to remember to look beyond the behaviour, and see the little person asking for help (to paraphrase a lovely quote).

What would I have done differently today?

What will I try to do tomorrow?

What am I grateful for?

Baby sitting very still on my lap while we were with the doctor. I did have second thoughts about bringing him along as I imagined him running wild and pulling things out of drawers etc but he sat so still and serious on my lap the whole time.

Day 66 - Monday, October 12th

What made me smile today?

Seeing Baby again after a day at work

Baby's legs as I was changing him in the morning

What triggered me today?

Nothing today. Yesterday I did raise my voice to stop Baby from pouring out the water in his bib and making a mess everywhere. At the time I was just thinking about stopping him from making a mess everywhere (it wasn't just water, it was water mixed with food...) but in hindsight it was probably just mere curiosity on his part rather than knowing he was going to make a mess.

What would I have done differently today?

I would have been more serious about giving Baby his boundaries just before bedtime. I was smiling and laughing a bit, so in the end he thought we were playing and he didn't take us seriously at all. It just didn't go well.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember limits, triggers, voice, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

Baby hasn't developed a fever, despite being under the weather for so many days. Baby's teething seems to have settled down a bit too - he hasn't cried since that night a few nights ago where he seemed to be suffering so much.

Note: No posts for the last few days... due to movie watching (Mad Max) and hanging out with the house guest :)

Day 65 - Thursday, October 8th

What made me smile today?

Baby dipping his bread into Vivian's yoghurt chilli thing and eating it like a pro (albeit a messy pro)

Baby walking around an amazingly empty Covent Garden

What triggered me today?

Nothing - out for most of the day, usually means a trigger free day.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember voice, be gentle, limits, triggers.

What am I grateful for?

Baby's puffy eye opening up a little bit as the day went on, and that it wasn't red and he wasn't itching it. Even so I am worried about his puffy eye and hope it is better tomorrow.

Day 64 - Wednesday, October 7th

What made me smile today?

Baby chattering away while I was cuddling him tonight trying to get him to sleep - I really did want him to go to sleep but I couldn't help but smile when I heard him chattering and caught a glimpse of the big smile on his face in the dark

Baby falling asleep on the journey home from work/nursery

What triggered me today?

Nothing.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, voice, limits, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

Baby's phlegmy cold not getting any worse - I was worried last night he was going to get a fever but we were ok today!

Day 63 - Tuesday, October 6th

What made me smile today?

Baby looking for his toy lettuce, and then his happy surprised face when I showed him where it was

So many Baby cuddles in the evening

What triggered me today?

Nothing... a day at work, non-rice dinner, Daddy around to look after Baby while I cooked and did the dishes, all adds up to a peaceful day.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember limits, voice, be gentle, triggers.

What am I grateful for?

Baby falling asleep on the District line home.

Day 62 - Monday, October 5th

What made me smile today?

Baby giving me the sweetest smiles on the tube ride home and giving me a huge hug at one point (I like to think that the huge hug was because I was ok with him having a cry just beforehand)

Baby's ability to tap my oyster card for me

What triggered me today?

Nothing too much. The only thing that slightly annoyed me was that he took some time falling asleep tonight. I used to be able to just put him in his bed and he would fall asleep fairly quickly, but over the last few weeks he's been taking longer to fall asleep, needing more cuddles from me (and my guilt over his suffering at nursery is playing right into his hand) and just generally not wanting to sleep (I think). I think I need to rein this in somehow.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, voice, be gentle, limits.

What am I grateful for?

A relatively good journey home today - he still had his cry, and he was still rather wriggly, but I have had worse journeys home.

Day 61 - Sunday, October 4th

What made me smile today?

Baby walking around in the park

Baby being a little bit bossy and insisting on Daddy using a particular colour for his colouring page

Baby happily playing by himself after lunch, which gave me enough time to wash the dishes

What triggered me today?

This was a big one today :( I always dread Sundays as I’m always very busy, even more so than normal, and this time I let it get to me. I was pretty grumpy most of the morning. I ended up raising my voice at Baby while I was tidying up after breakfast, when he really hadn’t done anything wrong (but I was even grumpier by that point as he was very messy during breakfast and decided he didn’t want to eat his porridge, I suspect because he prefers smooth porridge over lumpy porridge). And I snapped at him afterwards because he was insistently pointing at something and I had no idea what he was pointing at. I need to figure out how to not get so worked up about the mountain of things I need to do on Sundays.

What would I have done differently today?

I would have tried harder to not let my grumpiness affect Baby.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember voice, be gentle, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Baby sleeping soundly meaning I was able to finish watching The Avengers (Age of Ultron). Although this also meant that I went to sleep far too late, yet again. Also, tooth brushing for Baby is now no longer full of tears… and hopefully I can get it to stay that way.

Day 60 - Saturday, October 3rd

What made me smile today?

Baby's legs - they're so juicy!

Baby running across the couch to face plant into the pile of clothes on the other side - I've named the couch his 'soft play' area

Seeing a couple of molars coming through

Baby actually falling asleep at nap time this afternoon by himself (too long a story for this journal but oh so funny)

What triggered me today?

A lot of little triggers. Nothing major. I can't quite remember anything specific, just raising my voice a few times today, and feeling a little bit flat in the afternoon (which is usually a sign of some trying behaviour, and/or lack of coffee, of which I had both).

What would I have done differently today?

I'm not sure, perhaps I would not have raised my voice as much?

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember limits, triggers, be gentle, voice. I have been a bit loud these past few days... sometimes I've been ok with it, sometimes I haven't. I do know I did make a conscious effort to be less loud today, after the loudness of the past few days.

What am I grateful for?

Baby not getting a fever today - his cough is rather phlegmy and so he hasn't been all that well. So glad his temperature has stayed normal though. Also Baby copes so well with his teeth coming through - he still sleeps fairly well at night and he doesn't seem overly upset during the day, even though those big teeth are breaking through his gums.

Day 59 - Friday, October 2nd

No post today - watched The Imitation Game instead. What a brilliant movie - the dialogue was excellent. And so sad.

Day 58 - Thursday, October 1st

What made me smile today?

Baby making his chicken noise when he saw the chicken in the meat section in Tesco...

Baby looking at the cauliflower I picked up in Tesco and then making his eating action and noise

Baby was sitting on my lap and then he stood up when I asked him to (he doesn't always listen! But maybe it is a case of not really hearing/understanding what I say rather than not listening)

What triggered me today?

Dinner time, again. This time it wasn't actually the mess. It was more his constant crying seemingly wanting more food, and not being able to wait. I think this would have been ok normally, except he'd been like that *all* day (crying and wanting food NOW rather than waiting til it was ready or doing all the normal stuff we need to do before we can eat)... so by dinner time my ability to deal with it was almost non existent.

What would I have done differently today?

Baby woke up crying at around 6 this morning. I usually let him cry until he falls back asleep but this morning he seemed to be crying quite a lot so I decided to pick him up to comfort him. But he didn't like that at all and did his thing where he wriggles and kicks himself out of your embrace, and so I not-as-gently-as-I-should-have grabbed hold of him again... difficult at 6am and half asleep, but I should have been more gentle. But next time I'll just let him cry - sounds awful but it is actually the best thing to do.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, limits, voice, be gentle... and try to figure out how to get to the end of the day (or maybe just dinner time) and still have room for more crying and tantrums. He seems to be crying in frustration a lot more the past few days. I'm not sure if it's just stress from going back to nursery after his almost 2 week break, or if he's just entering the tantrum stage, or if his requests are becoming more complex so I'm not fully dealing with what he wants... either way, there has been a lot more frustration lately.

What am I grateful for?

Having the energy to look after Baby. I was sick twice in the last two weeks, bed-ridden sick, and it is impossible to look after Baby with the energy levels I had back then. It made me appreciate being healthy so much more.

Day 57 - Wednesday, September 30th

What made me smile today?

Baby examining my ears very closely today on the train ride home - he was looking for earrings

Baby enjoying spotting the planes around Canary Wharf

What triggered me today?

Dinner time... it's been such a long time since he's been rather messy. When I get a break from the messiness I forget how annoyed I can get when it is messy, and therefore I'm unprepared and tend to overreact. I don't think I was overly stern today, but I was very annoyed at the mess.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember to be gentle, voice, limited, triggers.

What am I grateful for?

Baby cried a bit on the train home today (nursery still stressing him out I think), and even though I was happy for him to let it out, I was still thankful that he didn't cry for too long, and there were no judgemental eyes (that I could see anyway). Again I'm grateful for being able to work 3 days a week.

Day 56 - Tuesday, September 29th

What made me smile today?

Baby giving me the cheekiest smiles on our way home from work

Baby eating whole beans for dinner - it is almost impossible to predict whether he will eat his vegetables or not

What triggered me today?

I wanted to read through the Waitrose magazine 'properly', i.e. one page at a time, sequentially. Normally when we read through books/magazines/newspapers together I let him turn the pages which means we read toddler style - skipping pages and going backwards and forwards. So i think I was a little bit too stern with him when I insisted on turning the pages and didn't let him turn the pages. I guess I should have just saved the magazine for when he was asleep (but I really didn't want to wait!) or accepted that I would have to read it toddler style if I was not going to wait (but I really wanted to read it adult style!)...

What would I have done differently today?

Saved the magazine for later?

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, limits, voice, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

Baby seemed better at nursery today. He did have a big cry after dinner though, which I think was still a result of not being used to going to nursery again. And he did just wake up crying 10 minutes ago, which I suspect is more nursery anxiety. At least he's getting it all out.

Day 55 - Monday, September 28th

What made me smile today?

Watching Baby at nursery before he noticed I was there to pick him up

Baby eating carrots at dinner - this was totally unexpected! I think it had something to do with needing something else (other than rice) to take the edge off the chicken curry...

What triggered me today?

Nothing - Baby had quite a few meltdowns today (including a couple on the tube home), I suspect due to the stress of going back to nursery after a nearly 2 week break. So today was understandably always going to be difficult for him. However I was able to remain pretty calm during all of it, even the crying on the tube!

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing, I think. Although I always find it difficult to find the right balance between giving Baby more attention and doing the things I need to do, like cook dinner and washing up after dinner. Today he did need more attention, because he was so stressed, but did I concede enough?

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, be gentle, voice, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Baby seems to be healthy and germ free so far! Even after a dog licked his hand yesterday - I completely forgot to clean his hands when we got back home so I was a little paranoid last night about Baby getting sick from that, but we seem to be in the clear.

Day 54 - Sunday, September 27th

What made me smile today?

Baby's good mood this morning, as he'd had plenty of sleep

Baby's chattering after he woke up from his nap in the afternoon, and spending his time relatively independently

Baby slowly waking up from his nap after I called his name very loudly (I didn't want him to nap too long as it was rather late) and then his smiles and giggles as I decided to be silly with him while he was waking up

What triggered me today?

Baby was in a bit of a testing mood today, doing things he knew he was not allowed to do a few times today. So he kind of got on my nerves, but I think I had them mostly under control. Just before lunch he was playing with a pack of tomatoes and sitting on the box by the recycling bin, and he was hitting the bin which I don't allow - and he was very clearly hitting the bin knowing he was not allowed. I ended up moving him away - there were some tears but it was all ok in the end.

What would I have done differently today?

I wouldn't have done this differently perhaps, but I need to figure out what my stance is on Baby's access to the main table. I haven't decided whether to allow him, but this indecision means I don't know really how to react when he insists on climbing onto one of the chairs so that he can play with whatever is on the table. I need to figure this out soon otherwise it's just going to be too confusing for poor Baby.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, limits, voice, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

Baby sleeping in til 10 this morning - a record first for a healthy Baby! This I was extremely grateful for, as I only went to sleep at 2am that morning. Baby's dad giving him a bath so I was able to get some work week prep done.

Day 53 - Saturday, September 26th

What made me smile today?

Baby's ginormous tummy after dinner - he ate a lot of pasta

Baby eating ice cream from an ice cream cone with a tiny spoon and loving it - it's the first time he's liked ice cream

The gaggle of geese honking at Baby at the farm - poor thing I hope he doesn't have nightmares about being attacked by geese tonight!

The way Baby kicks his legs and smiles when I say 'look at those legs' while I'm changing his nappy

What triggered me today?

As we were leaving the farm to make our way to the food market for lunch I had to check my phone to find out how to get to the market. baby was hungry (maybe closer to ravenous) at that point and couldn't stop reaching for my phone and as I was probably also running on almost empty I got rather angry. I ended up feeding half a rice cracker and was then able to check my phone in relative peace. I think that probably was the best thing to do. The same thing happened again after we'd had something to eat from the market - I needed to check my phone again to find out how to find the other market which was supposedly close by, but this time he was thirsty instead of hungry. I probably overreacted, as he wasn't being all that annoying but I think as I'd already been triggered exactly the same way earlier it didn't take much for me to overreact. Another trigger to watch out for. I do avoid using my phone while I'm carrying him in the sling, but sometimes it is unavoidable...

What would I have done differently today?

Again food related - I ended up only starting to prepare dinner so that it would be ready for 7. I thought Baby would have been ok with dinner this late, but it turns out he was not. He

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, voice, limits, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

The sunshine being out in all its glory, and for the wonderful day out in the farm and then in the food market afterwards.

Day 52 - Friday, September 25th

No journal entry today - spent my time watching a movie (The Drop) instead! I did intend to write after the movie finished, but Baby woke up crying and so it was bed time for me.

Day 51 - Thursday, September 24th

What made me smile today?

Baby wanting to go out in his pyjamas to see the rabbits, presumably from yesterday's trip to the farm

Baby bouncing up and down excitedly when we talked about rabbits

Baby holding onto my arm while falling asleep, and refusing to let go (he seemed particularly attached tonight)

What triggered me today?

Nothing major... although I did get annoyed when he continued to play with the towel rack in the bathroom even though I asked him to stop - which resulted in his banishment from the bathroom while I continued to use it. He was not too happy about being banished. Twice. Also sometimes he can be a bit rough with me (lately he's started 'moving' me around to get me to do what he wants me to do, which still isn't always clear anyway) and this can irritate me. I probably need to be more aware of this so I don't let it trigger me too much.

What would I have done differently today?

I think I should have written this post earlier so I could have slept earlier. Hopefully I won't be too sleep deprived tomorrow.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember to be gentle, voice, limits, triggers.

What am I grateful for?

Being able to do some late night baking - he did wake up just before I was ready to pop the cakes into the oven but he is a relatively good sleeper. I think if I had a bad sleeper I wouldn't be able to get any baking done at all.

Day 50 - Wednesday, September 23rd

What made me smile today?

Baby in his sling, looking up at me and giving me his sweetest smile

Baby sitting in his toy box on top of all his toys - it doesn't look that comfortable but he seemed comfy!

What triggered me today?

Nothing toooo major... I did get a little annoyed at him for using his feet to kick at the things on the sink, so I washed his hands in a position that he does not like. He ended up disproportionately upset, turns out because he was overly tired (he ended up crying himself to sleep in my lap).

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing, I think?

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember limits, be gentle, voice, triggers.

What am I grateful for?

My sister being able to visit for a week.

Day 49 - Tuesday, September 22nd

What made me smile today?

Baby has started putting his hand to his mouth and making a cute little noise whenever a food item is mentioned

Baby happy and relaxed in the bathtub tonight

What triggered me today?

Nothing - having my sister around really helps!

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember limits, triggers, be gentle, voice

What am I grateful for?

My sister being around and helping out so much. Being able to delay the washing load for as long as I have... unfortunately I think I can only delay it another day before I really need to do another one.

Day 48 - Monday, September 21st

What made me smile today?

Baby’s joy when he makes his saliva bubbles

Baby’s new haircut - I did it all on my own! I was so worried about cutting off all those long luscious locks… I will miss them

What triggered me today?

Nothing - spent nearly the entire morning sleeping off my tummy bug, and it seems as though Baby slept it off with me too.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, voice, limits, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

The worst of the nausea seems to be over. My sister helping me out, even though she was feeling below average (so sorry for the germy house!)

Day 47 - Sunday, September 20th

What made me smile today?

Baby attempting to stick the metal lid to the oven door - he thought it was magnetic

Baby's cheeky smile all day

Baby asleep in my sling

What triggered me today?

Nothing!

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing... if only I knew how I could have avoided the vomit! (see below)

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember limits, voice, be gentle, triggers.

What am I grateful for?

Feeling so much better after a good puke, after suffering for a couple of hours this evening. It looks like I have caught the Baby tummy bug. Also grateful that he seemed pretty much back to normal today, and was able to spend pretty much the entire day out. And so thankful for my sis and Baby's daddy looking after Baby while I was completely out of it in the evening.

Day 46 - Saturday, September 19th

What made me smile today?

Baby running in and out of the bathroom as he waited for his bath to fill up

Baby giving me my pyjama bottoms when I said I needed to find my trousers to change into

What triggered me today?

Nothing! The good thing about tummy bugs is meals are incredibly mess free.

What would I have done differently today?

I would not have cut Baby's fringe so short? But how could I have known??

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, limits, voice, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

Baby holding his lunch and dinner in - hopefully he is over the tummy bug! No vomit today. No fevers today. My sister helping with the dishes and dinner prep again.

Day 45 - Friday, September 18th

What made me smile today?

Baby yelling as he ran up and down the corridor

Sitting on the springy see saw with Baby and my sister at the playground

Discovering that Baby puts his hand to his mouth and makes a little noise when we talk about food that you can eat

Baby blowing bubbles into his cup... soooo cute

From yesterday - Baby discovering that he can make saliva bubbles with his mouth

What triggered me today?

Nothing... even though we woke up earlier than I would have liked, we did ok today.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing. Although I do remember last night I told Baby he couldn't pull out his toy box to play with the toys, that he could only choose a book to read as it was close to bed time, but then I let him play with his small blue tub of 'stuff'... should I have stuck to my limit...? I probably should have...

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember to be gentle, limits, triggers, voice.

What am I grateful for?

Baby still being so happy and playful even though he obviously wasn't feeling well tonight (having thrown up his entire dinner :( ) and my sister for washing up the dishes again and helping me with my chores tonight, which enabled me to have time to write this and and more me time.

Day 44 - Thursday, September 17th

What made me smile today?

Baby running around the house with my shirt as a cape

Baby's incessant yelping at everything he saw while we were out in St James's Park

The huge smile and pure happiness in his face as he looked up at me when we were walking around central London (I get the feeling he likes being out in central London - I see this face at least once whenever we venture into town)

Baby running up to me with a huge smile and arms open when I came home from my doctor's appointment this afternoon

What triggered me today?

Nothing today - recovering from hand foot and mouth disease (I know - doctor told me it was tonsillitis, but we realised just this morning that it must be hand foot and mouth, due to the appearance of mouth ulcers and random sensitive spots on the hands and feet...) and having my sister around, and being out for most of the day all usually mean there is too much going on for there to be any triggers. Having a strange dream about losing your Baby might also influence things a little...

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember voice, be gentle, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

That I haven't lost Baby yet (it wasn't a very nice feeling realising that I may have lost my Baby, in my dream of course). For my sister doing the dishes tonight.

Day 43 - Wednesday, September 16th

Unfortunately no blog post today.... just got too sidetracked by the internet and then Baby called before I could start on the post... oops!

Day 42 - Tuesday, September 15th

What made me smile today?

Baby picking up his nappy and taking it to the bin - I let him attempt to throw it away, but unfortunately he missed

Seeing Baby come home from nursery - Daddy took him to nursery for me so I could get more sleep and rest

And from yesterday - the fly landed on his chair again, I thought he was ok with the fly by now but he still made his upset noise and moved as far away from the fly as possible

What triggered me today?

Nothing - we didn't have much time together today, and I had a whole day at home on my own.

What would I have done differently today?

Perhaps I would have bathed Baby earlier, so we wouldn't have needed to use the hair dryer.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember limits, be gentle, triggers, voice.

What am I grateful for?

Daddy taking Baby into nursery for me today. Not needing to take any more drugs since early this afternoon... hopefully I can stay off the drugs!

Day 41 - Monday, September 14th

No post for today as I was stricken by tonsillitis, aches and pains all over :(

Day 40 - Sunday, September 13th

What made me smile today?

Baby helping me tidy up his mess before lunch

Baby falling asleep in the sling after our walk this afternoon

Baby squeezing himself between a low brick wall and a pole - I didn't think he could squeeze through (he has a big tummy!) but he did!

What triggered me today?

It wasn't too bad today. The biggest thing was probably Baby drinking water a bit before bed time and then deciding to spit out a mouthful, meaning he needed a change of pyjamas. Note that today, after every meal he needed a change of shirt because he somehow managed to soak his clothes... he loves to spit/spill water all over himself. I told him he was naughty while I was changing his pyjamas... which I shouldn't have done.

What would I have done differently today?

I would have thought twice about calling Baby naughty.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle, remember limits (I think I did this ok today!), triggers, voice.

What am I grateful for?

The weather turning out rather pleasant today, which meant we had a nice walk this afternoon.

Day 39 - Saturday, Setpember 12th

What made me smile today?

Baby spotting planes

Baby playing by himself while I was washing the dinner dishes (I *almost* finished washing the dishes before he started going crazy for my attention)

Winding down with Baby before bed time

What triggered me today?

They were only little triggers today but for some reason with disproportionately larger responses :( Baby was pulling away at the toilet roll holder while I was in the toilet, so obviously I couldn't really do anything... so when I was ready to remove him from the bathroom I'd already lost patience and didn't think before holding his hands to stop him from pulling on the toilet roll holder. Then in the afternoon he stood on my leg (as he always does) while reaching for his chair and I wasn't able to tolerate him climbing all over me anymore so I pulled my leg away but he tripped and hurt his head as I did so.

What would I have done differently today?

I would have been more gentle, would an extra moment have helped?

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle! Voice, limits, triggers... perhaps be more accepting of the feelings of frustration/annoyance/etc and then discard them somehow...

What am I grateful for?

Baby's fever has gone! His temperature was normal today.

Day 38 - Friday, September 11th

What made me smile today?

This shouldn't make me smile, but seeing Baby's look of terror on his face as he watched the fly (that has not been able to escape since last night) land on his chair and wander around... Baby doesn't seem to like flies

Baby is so incredibly helpful during bath time - when it's time for bath he'll come with me into the bathroom and put the door stop in for me (omg my heart melts every time he does this, which is pretty much every day). He often comes with a container of some sort so he can catch the water as I'm washing down the bathtub before filling it, and then he'll stand by the bathtub and watch as it fills up while I collect some random toys for him to throw into the bathtub (and maybe have a sneaky glance at my phone too).

What triggered me today?

We had a good day today. It really helped that Baby was so good today - he just wanted to sit in his chair after all the meals so I had time to wash up the dishes, and he mostly played by himself while I was getting dinner ready. Washing dishes and cooking are the only times I need him to be be ok on his own, and today he was! Perhaps he was a bit more mellow as he was a little bit sick, but I'd like to think that he was just having a good day today.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing at all.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle, voice, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Baby's high temperature not venturing into the danger zone today, and coming back to normal by the end of the day. Hopefully tomorrow his temperature will be all clear.

Day 37 - Thursday, September 10th

What made me smile today?

Baby stomping about in the small pile of dried leaves under the bridge - I will definitely see more of this when autumn fully sets in I think :)

Baby walking around the house in his wellies

What triggered me today?

I was pretty awful today :( On our way back from my haircut I decided to stop off at the butcher to pick up our dinner, and Baby was very fidgety, being tired but not quite tired enough to nap. I hadn't eaten since breakfast so I was running on empty and was overdressed for the hot sun. Combination of no food (although I wasn't feeling hungry) very hot and bothered, and fidgety baby was just too much and I couldn't get rid of my annoyance, even though I did try. I ended up snapping rather harshly at him for fidgeting while I was trying to get everything ready so I could let him out of the sling.

What would I have done differently today?

I don't know - I just don't seem to have the emotional maturity to get myself to think and behave rationally. I can recognise when I'm in the danger zone, but I didn't know how to get out of it today.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Beware of that super danger zone - think about how to get myself out of it. And the usual be aware of those triggers, be gentle, quiet voice.

What am I grateful for?

All the sunshine we had today. No cars on the road when Baby decided to run out from the footpath onto it.

Day 36 - Wednesday, September 9th

What made me smile today?

Baby giving me a hug when I asked for one

Seeing Baby's gum boots that I bought for him (they arrived today!)

Baby seemingly comforted (and almost being lulled to sleep!) by me repeatedly singing the wheels on the bus while I washed the dinner dishes

What triggered me today?

I was alone while preparing dinner today, so he was very whiney (as he always is when we're alone and I'm cooking dinner). It gets rather difficult to accept his whining. I don't think I said or did anything as a result of my own annoyance, but perhaps I could have been more understanding.

What would I have done differently today?

See above.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle, voice, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Being able to work 3 days a week, and also so thankful my weekend starts tomorrow.

Day 35 - Tuesday, September 8th

What made me smile today?

The look of happiness on Baby's face when he sees me when I come to pick him up from nursery... every day this melts my heart

Baby playing with his ball just before bed, especially his excitement when he was able to catch the ball

The sound of Baby's feet as he runs into and out of the bathroom as he waits for the bath tub to fill up

The huge smile on Baby's face when he saw there was some cake to eat after dinner

What triggered me today?

We almost had a disaster at dinner (I think he didn't like the look of his whizzed up spinach and pesto pasta) but we both managed to pull it together somehow, so it ended up being a relatively peaceful day today.

What would I have done differently today?

Maybe not have given Baby that whole banana to eat just before dinner... half would have been enough I think.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle, remember voice, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Baby's passport and related documents all arriving safely yesterday.

Day 34 - Monday, September 7th

What made me smile today?

Baby playing so well with his paddle pop sticks just before bed

Baby making his elephant noise when he saw a picture of some rhinos in the paper

Baby climbing into his toy box

Baby taking his tin of paper graze tokens out of his toy box after I just casually mentioned knowing where he could find more tokens (as he'd found a couple lying around on the table) - I did not expect him to remember as it has been ages since he's played with that tin

And how did I forget - Baby running across the couch in just his nappy, for fun, and to escape having his tshirt put on

What triggered me today?

Baby not being able to tell me that he's ready to come out of his high chair (which means he tries to come out by himself, which could end in disastrous tears). Baby not wanting to sit still in the bathroom to wash up after dinner. Some more mountains for me to think about, and then climb.

What would I have done differently today?

Been more gentle.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember to be gentle, voice, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Being able to sit down relatively early tonight, with enough time to watch half of Exodus!

Day 33 - Sunday, September 6th

What made me smile today?

Baby having endless amounts of fun playing with the paper stuffing from the box of chocolates I bought for Aussie daddy's day

Baby is getting very good at spotting planes in the sky now - he spotted so many today on our walk

Enjoying our walk along the river - as it was low tide today there were more birds to spot

What triggered me today?

Nothing - not even sure why as I was tired today, and I think I'm coming down with a cold. I think it might have something to do with the not so great past few days.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing :)

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle, quiet voice, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Having such a good day today, even though I was tired and feeling a bit rough.

Day 32 - Saturday, September 5th

What made me smile today?

Singing row row row your boat for Baby at Clara's place for the umpteenth time and seeing how much he still enjoyed it

Baby playing with Clara's cats

What triggered me today?

Didn't really have any triggers today - tends to happen when we spend the whole day out. I also cheated and decided to eat dinner out - I just didn't have the energy to do the dinner clean up tonight.

What would I have done differently today?

I think we were ok today.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle, limits, voice, temper.

What am I grateful for?

Baby surviving the afternoon at Clara's despite having only a 3 minute nap beforehand. Baby generally being able to sleep through the first half (or part) of his night at least, which lets me do the various things I need to do before I can go to sleep.

Day 31 - Friday, September 4th

No diary entry for today, as I had overcommitted myself (baking, dinner prep, washing... too much!).
But I do remember being unnecessarily angry over things which annoyed me, but I shouldn't have snapped at Baby :(

Day 30 - Thursday, September 3rd

What made me smile today?

Baby surprising me by carrying the 4 pack of baked beans around this evening, until he got too tired to keep going (I didn't think he would be able to carry it! That's nearly or at least 2kg worth of baked beans there!)

Baby carrying one of my shopping bags while I was carrying him in my sling this afternoon - I might be able to make a habit of this :)

Baby unexpectedly falling asleep on the tube in to meet Clara for lunch

Baby enjoying watching the birds in the pond in St James's Park

Baby shaking his head every time I ask him if he's done a poo, even though I'm pretty sure he knows he's done one, and he is just trying to avoid having his nappy changed

What triggered me today?

Not really related to Baby, but not being able to rebook a delivery through the DX website - how difficult is it to get that functionality to work. At least I was able to rebook the delivery using the automated system over the phone, but that was so much more time consuming. I did also feel that bubble during dinner as Baby was being incredibly difficult, but I was able to let that diffuse, knowing he was extremely tired.

What would I have done differently today?

We were ok today - thanks to enough sleep.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Triggers, voice, be gentle, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Baby is in generally good health - no cold, no fever, nothing. I hope I haven't jinxed it.

Day 29 - Wednesday, September 2nd

What made me smile today?

Seeing Baby again when I went to pick him up from nursery (and his voluminous hair! I think the girls had been playing with it...)

Baby playing on the couch

What triggered me today?

I was so tired after work today, despite unintentionally sleeping in an extra 30 minutes. This led to grumpiness and an inability to regulate my grumpy anger, and I unfortunately couldn't stop myself from reacting :( It wasn't directed at Baby at all though, I directed it towards myself, but Baby was still affected :(

What would I have done differently today?

I would have tried, despite my tiredness, not to react to my grumpiness.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Triggers, emotions, voice, be gentle, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Email confirmation (which we received the other day) of Baby's passport application being approved!

Day 28 - Tuesday, September 1st

What made me smile today?

Baby rubbing his hands together when I moisturised my own hands (he's actually been doing this for a while now, I've only just remembered!)

Baby making his elephant noise when he saw the picture of the zebra in his new animal book (it's a long story... sigh)

Baby running in and out of the bathroom while waiting for the bathtub to fill up for his bath

Baby eating my spiral pasta pieces for dinner, and not the pasta I whizzed up for him

What triggered me today?

We did ok today - that's what limited time together and another adult around will do. I did however forget about one from yesterday - Baby just hanging out in the bathroom really annoyed me for some reason yesterday (probably the lack of sleep did not help). I could have handled my annoyance better, but at the same time it really could have been much worse - I stopped myself before I got childish! That's what being an adult is about isn't it? Unfortunately I think I have the emotional capability of a 5 year old.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing - we did ok today :)

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, limits, be gentle, voice. I will be tired.

What am I grateful for?

Our peaceful journey home today.

Day 27 - Monday, August 31st

What made me smile today?

The faces Baby made while eating a wedge of lemon

Baby doing his stamping thing while playing with a tennis ball

Baby playing with the tomato 'jelly' at lunch

What triggered me today?

I was rather grumpy this morning, due to severe lack of sleep (completely my fault though - Baby slept so well he slept the entire night in his own cot). It didn't so much trigger anything though, it was just that by midday I didn't have anything left and just needed a little bit of time to myself to get back to normal. I ended up deciding to go out for the afternoon as I knew I would struggle if we stayed at home, and the rest of the day went so much smoother.

What would I have done differently today?

I'm so bad at checking the temperature of food before giving it to Baby. But then I think he reacts even when food is only warm because he's used to eating food stone cold... But anyway I would have checked the fish before giving it to Baby.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Triggers, voice, be gentle, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Bank holiday today, which means only a 2 day work week! Surviving on less than 6 hours sleep.

Day 26 - Sunday, August 30th

What made me smile today?

Baby chewing on his toast - I'm sure his cheeks have gotten even bigger

Baby stacking his boxes

What triggered me today?

No triggers today, despite sleeping far too late. The extra adult helps - when I can get the things I need to do done, everything goes so much smoother. It also helps that risotto is always neater.

What would I have done differently today?

We did well today.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, be gentle, no loud voice.

What am I grateful for?

Baby letting me doze until 8 this morning. Somehow ending up with not very much to do tonight, so I got quite a bit of sit-down-and-do-nothing time.

Day 25 - Saturday, August 29th

What made me smile today?

Baby placing the door stop in the right position to hold the bathroom door open this morning

Baby attempting to grab the apple I picked up while we were in Tesco, and then attempting to take a bite with a huge smile on his face

What triggered me today?

Nothing today - spending a good part of the day out does help! And sausages for dinner...

What would I have done differently today?

We had a good day today :)

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember limits, triggers, and be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

Making the most of the sunshine today, and getting home before the rain.

Day 24 - Friday, August 28th

What made me smile today?

Baby's ability to be so gentle at times

Wondering what it means when Baby opens and closes his hands after I brush his teeth

Baby exploring new areas of the playground

Baby's giggle when he sees me when his dad takes him out of his room after his nap

Baby's babbling, and sometimes thinking I'm hearing an English word

Baby has a habit of putting his leg on his table, but he's been getting so much better at putting it back down again when I ask

What triggered me today?

I don't really remember specifics. I just remembering being grumpy when we came home from the playground in the afternoon as I was quite hot and tired, and I had a huge list of things to get through before I could settle myself again. And dinner again was messy, so that got me a little grumpy too.

What would I have done differently today?

I do remember being not as gentle as I would have liked at some point today (can't quite remember the specific scenario anymore!). I wish I could be gentle all the time.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Triggers - breathe! Be gentle. Try not to go on about Baby being messy too much.

What am I grateful for?

Discovering the volunteer gardening scheme in the area which focuses on children and the elderly. Baby is too young at the moment to get into gardening, but I do hope that wherever we are in a few years time the council will have a similar scheme. In the meantime I look forward to visiting the garden and farm nearby, maintained by the volunteers.

Day 23 - Thursday, August 27th

What made me smile today?

Baby's stamping

Baby deciding that today would be the day he would try to put the different shapes into the matching holes (but of course he didn't want the lid with the holes on the box... he wanted it on the floor)

Despite being very whiny today Baby was able to play by himself for decent amounts - he seems to be getting better at this I think

What triggered me today?

Oh by the afternoon I was just too tired and everything pretty much got to me. I think both of the big ones was Baby not being ready to transition, (i.e. leave tesco, get out of the bath) even though I had given warning. Granted I had been distracted both times... perhaps he sensed my distraction and not being all there.

What would I have done differently today?

Had a coffee! I unfortunately think that part of my lethargy was due to lack of caffeine...

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Have a coffee, in the morning. Triggers, voice, be gentle, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Baby's good nap timing today, which meant he was able to fall asleep quickly when it was time for bed.

Day 22 - Wednesday, August 26th

What made me smile today?

Baby discovering I have a belly button too

And then Baby cried so it was time to sleep and thus I did not finish my journal entry for this day...

Day 21 - Tuesday, August 25th

What made me smile today?

Baby's generally good mood today

What triggered me today?

Nothing! He even threw his spoon on the floor twice, and threw the brochure into the wet bathtub even though I told him not to, and I was just all calm and patience today. Amazing what an extra adult and and extra day at home can do I suppose.

What would I have done differently today?

After Baby threw his spoon on the floor the 1st time I told him if he did it again I would assume he was done with dinner. Then he ate some more before throwing his spoon onto the floor the 2nd time. At which point I didn't give him his spoon back, but when I took his plate away he reached for it, so I left it on his tray and let him eat what he wanted to with his hands. Should I have been more firm and taken the plate away? I suspect I should have.... *sigh* but perhaps a valid consequence of dropping his spoon is to just let him eat without his spoon??

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Triggers, voice, be gentle, think about limits

What am I grateful for?

Baby is all better today - no more temperature. And Baby was in a very good mood today. And sleeping in an extra 20 mins but still managing to make it in to nursery/work only 5 minutes late.

Day 20 - Monday, August 24th

What made me smile today?

Baby's distinct yelp for food - it is exactly the same every time. Today he was yelping for an apple and his dad played a video he took of Baby yelping for food from the other day, and it was identical - you could hardly tell the difference between the live yelp and the video yelp.

What triggered me today?

Putting Baby to sleep tonight was a little difficult. It took him a long time to fall asleep, and usually when it goes past 30 minutes I tend to get annoyed as I always have a long list of things I need to do once Baby has gone to sleep, and him taking an hour to sleep doesn't really help.

What would I have done differently today?

Perhaps I should have done some of my chores while Baby napped (he napped for about 2.5 hours!). But I spent nearly all of that time doing nothing productive.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, voice and be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

Baby's temperature stayed in the healthy range today. And the tube strike being called off - no need to put Baby in strange unfamiliar emergency childcare anymore.

Day 19 - Sunday, August 23rd

What made me smile today?

Baby has now added fish to the list of animals that he is able to (or at least attempt to) make noises for :)

Baby stamping his foot

Baby blowing/spitting off the sugar from the spoon as I was attempting to give him sugar before the calpol (which he despises) - so cheeky!

Baby being incredibly wary of his dinner, as I'd cooked fried rice for the parents but porridge for the baby, and he was very aware that he had a different dinner. He did make feeble attempts to eat it, but it was only after he watched us both eat a whole (baby) plate of his porridge that he decided it was ok to eat and he pretty much gobbled down the rest after that - again so cheeky!

What triggered me today?

Nothing I think. I had another adult, Baby was a bit mellow today because he's sick, and we woke up at 11, as he was sick and was up for a few hours in the middle of the night. It's amazing how much quicker the day passes when you wake up at 11!

What would I have done differently today?

Possibly considered attempting to give Baby his calpol on an empty stomach... but he probably would have just vomited up water so is there any point in finding the best time?

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, voice, and be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

Baby's temperature coming down overnight. Still higher than normal, but thankfully now down from almost 40 last night. And Baby letting me sleep in until 11.

Day 18 - Saturday, August 22nd

What made me smile today?

Baby splashing in the paddling pool in Ravenscourt Park

Despite being incredibly tired this morning, I still found Baby requesting me to read his books several times endearing

Baby points to and looks at his own feet whenever we come across the page about the monkey and its feet in his monkey book

What triggered me today?

Again, no real triggers. Having another adult around does make a difference. The only thing was waking up far too early (as I had gone to bed far too late) so I was a bit useless in the morning, which made for a difficult morning. But we recovered quite well from it.

What would I have done differently today?

Tried not to snooze when we woke up this morning, as I know it never ends well, but I was so tired!

What will I try to do tomorrow?

I really should be in bed already, but alas I am not, and so I will have to rely on my super powers tomorrow to remember not to react to my triggers, be gentle, and use a less loud voice.

What am I grateful for?

It was so sunny and hot and lovely in London today.

Day 17 - Friday, August 21st

What made me smile today?

Baby making his cow and elephant noises, especially elephant as he raises his arm like the elephant's trunk like I always do

Baby chomping his way through most of a whole peach in the morning and through most of a whole largish apple in the afternoon

I shouldn't find this amusing but Baby seems to have a genuine fear of his toy shark, he looked so scared and backed away when I attempted to introduce him to the shark

What triggered me today?

It wasn't dinner - he ate so well today. I can't quite remember what exactly he did but it was in the morning before breakfast, I guess perhaps I just hadn't properly woken up yet.

What would I have done differently today?

I would have been more gentle. I want Baby to be gentle yet how can I expect that of him if I'm not able to be gentle myself :(

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember - triggers, voice, be gentle. Maybe attempt to implement phase 2 of revamping the living room area.

What am I grateful for?

That Baby and I have a home to live in...

Day 16 - Thursday, August 20th

What made me smile today?

Watching Baby take out all the cans from the cupboard and carry them around

Baby stamping his foot (makes him look like he's doing some really funky dance move)

Realising I now recognise the noise he makes when he wants food (or more specifically food that he can see but that I don't really intend for him to eat, sometimes not at that very moment, sometimes not at all)

What triggered me today?

No triggers! Not quite sure what was so different about today. There were still plenty of potential triggers. And all the usual things that trigger me did happen today. Perhaps it helped that Baby was able to amuse himself while I cooked dinner, even though he was super tired. And I could see he was trying to eat less messily during dinner. Perhaps the picnic lunch out in St James' Park helped too.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing!

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Triggers, voice, limits.

What am I grateful for?

No rain today so we could enjoy our picnic lunch in the park with Clara :)

Day 15 - Wednesday, August 19th

What made me smile today?

The sound Baby makes whenever he sees a picture of a cow (I think he's trying to moo but it's not quite happening)

I shouldn't find this funny, but Baby was bitten today at nursery and I could still see the individual teeth marks of the biter on Baby's chin when we came home - it was a full mouth chomp! Poor baby!

What triggered me today?

Dinner mess :( The mess shouldn't come as a surprise to me, but it still keeps getting me.

What would I have done differently today?

I would have told myself that the dinner mess is not a big deal and kept it in mind.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Try not to think that Baby can do better at dinner time... because I do think he can do better. And I think this is why the dinner mess keeps getting to me. He can eat so much better than he is right now - I've seen it. But for some reason he is not, and I need to accept that.

What am I grateful for?

Baby eating pretty much all his broccoli today.

Day 14 - Tuesday, August 18th

What made me smile today?

Seeing Baby's huge smile when he saw me at nursery this afternoon

Baby's cheeky face after I finished washing his hair

What triggered me today?

I overreacted when Baby started pulling out the plastic bags from the bag bin... I saw it coming from a mile away but I still couldn't catch it. It doesn't help when it happens while I'm trying to get dinner together and I'm starving. But I do need to put it into perspective and tell myself it isn't that bad if he pulls out the plastic bags (yes it is!!) and I can take a moment to calm myself rather than rushing in to stop him (no I can't!) - ok, clearly I have some work to do here...

What would I have done differently today?

I would have been able to tell myself that pulling out plastic bags from the bin is not such a big deal.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Breathe before a trigger...

What am I grateful for?

Baby doing all his poos at nursery today :)

Day 13 - Monday, August 17th

What made me smile today?

Baby seems to enjoy sitting in the new (2nd hand) chair that I bought for him on Friday

Baby's obvious joy when I gave him the new ball that I bought for him on Saturday

Baby spending a very long time (over half an hour?) playing with his shampoo bottle which I emptied in tonight's bath

Baby refusing to give me the bottle when it was bed time, and so he ended up going to bed with the bottle - he must be the only baby who has cuddled a shampoo bottle to sleep??

What triggered me today?

There were no triggers! I think that's what a day at work will do...

What would I have done differently today?

Should I have given in and let Baby have more cheese before dinner? Even though I said no more?
Should I have been more firm and not let Baby take the shampoo bottle to bed? (not that I have any idea how I would have taken it from him without forcibly snatching it from him, and what would that have taught him?)

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Triggers, voice, limits.

What am I grateful for?

That I have a job and I am able to work part-time.

Day 12 - Sunday, August 16th

What made me smile today?

Baby discovering his belly button

What triggered me today?

There were a few things today. I feel like I'm getting better at the dinner mess and I didn't overreact today. But I did overreact when Baby managed to grab the tiniest edge of glad wrap that was hanging over the edge and managed to pull it. I don't really know why it caused such a disproportionate reaction from me. Perhaps it was a build up of all the little triggers that I managed to hold together until that one, perhaps it was my overly busy Sunday...

What would I have done differently today?

I would not have said what I did after Baby pulled on the glad wrap.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Triggers, quiet voice.

What am I grateful for?

Baby sleeping in til 9 this morning.

Day 11 - Saturday, August 15th

What made me smile today?

Baby making noises as we walked down the stairs on our way out - I think he likes the way his voice echoes in the stairway

While we were sitting near Baby's play area, I noticed Cecil (the lion) had somehow made it to the kitchen. I told Baby Cecil looked lonely all on his own in the kitchen so maybe he should bring him over so he wouldn't be lonely anymore, and Baby got up and brought Cecil over and gave him a hug - so incredibly sweet! (He then threw Cecil onto the floor, but I did mention Baby's Jekyll and Hyde behaviour towards Cecil in a previous post...)

What triggered me today?

Baby mess while he's trying to eat during dinner is in reality ok - I just don't handle mess very well sometimes (ok most of the time). But today he made a mess playing with his food - this I cannot tolerate. I did yell after he flung the plate off his tray (which thankfully landed right side up), more out of shock than anger though as it was quite unexpected.

What would I have done differently today?

I don't know how I could have avoided yelling today - it was so uncharacteristic of Baby and appeared quite out of the blue. I haven't had much practise at these types of triggers.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember the triggers, remember the voice.

What am I grateful for?

Baby is a lot of hard work, but one thing I am super grateful for is that he seems to be breezing through his teething (in comparison to other stories I have heard and read). He seems completely fine during the day, and the only hint I get that he is in pain is when he wakes up crying at night - and even then after I apply the gel (another thing I am extremely grateful for) there's only a few more minutes of crying and then he stops and falls asleep again. He's usually able to sleep through the rest of the night. To me, this sounds pretty easy.

Day 10 - Friday, August 14th

What made me smile today?

Watching Baby rubbing his feet together while he eats his meals

Baby's cheeks as he chews his food (omg those cheeks)

Baby looking for the mouse on each page of his book

What triggered me today?

So many triggers today, but surprisingly I didn't feel like I'd completely lost it on any of them (I did kind of lose it on some of them), even with a splitting headache all day. Dinner was messy, I tried the basil picking again today, Baby stuck his hand into the rice bag multiple times and threw rice all over the floor, Baby got into his nappy box twice and threw his nappies everywhere, he played with the box by the bin with the obvious intent of getting my attention... to name a few.

What would I have done differently today?

Perhaps I should have explained to Baby that we were going to take a photo for his passport before we arrived at the store... it may have ended more successfully.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember those triggers and remember less loud voice.

What am I grateful for?

Baby seems to have gotten over his vaccination fever yay!!

Day 9 - Thursday, August 13th

What made me smile today?

Baby giving me a huge smile before falling asleep while we were walking to the tube station

The way Baby asks for something and how his tone gradually becomes more urgent if he is being ignored - I have to try to capture this in a video one day, it's hilarious

How Baby seems to have a love hate relationship with his soft toy lion and how he knows his name is Cecil (yes, I named him Cecil as Tahseen gave it to Baby literally the day after Cecil news broke and all I could think of was Cecil every time I looked at it)

What triggered me today?

Not dinner today! But only because Baby was unwell from his vaccinations, so he only had toast for dinner. I expect I'll struggle again once he recovers, which I really hope is sooner rather than later. Instead, I thought I would let Baby help me by picking off the leaves from the basil plants I bought today. He loved picking off the leaves, however he also loved putting his hands into the bowl and squishing the picked leaves in his hands. I had to ask him to stop several times, and in the end I got rather annoyed that he wasn't able to stop squishing and bruising my leaves. However, in hindsight, I do understand why he kept doing it and I should have seen it at the time...

What would I have done differently today?

Perhaps not used such a stern voice when asking Baby not to squish my basil leaves.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Rethink my stern voice.

What am I grateful for?

Baby's vomit after breakfast this morning being seemingly quite harmless (I hope this doesn't come back to bite me).

Day 8 - Wednesday, August 12th

What made me smile today?

Baby climbing into his box and rowing his hands as I sang 'row row row your boat'

Baby's babbling - there are no words to describe how cute his babbling is

What triggered me today?

Dinner! So incredibly messy. He's always been messy at dinner (although I have been treated to some relatively unmessy dinners in the past) but for some reason he seems to be even messier these days (might have something to do with him feeding himself now) and for some even stranger reason my tolerance for Baby's dinner mess seems to have diminished to almost nothing this week. It might be the combination of more mess and lack of sleep.

What would I have done differently today?

Dealt with my lack of mess tolerance better?

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Take one step closer to conquering the dinner mess demons.

What am I grateful for?

Being able to work only 3 days a week so I can spend 4 days at home with Baby.

Day 7 - Tuesday, August 11th

What made me smile today?

Picking Baby up from nursery

Baby passing me his stacking boxes so I could talk to him about the pictures on the boxes

What triggered me today?

Dinner time again, I was prepared today but was still angry when he stood up in his chair. I actually caught the 'end of dinner' signs, but I just took too long to clear up his table before taking him out.

What would I have done differently today?

Do I spend more time with him instead of washing/cleaning up? Today I felt like perhaps I should have spent just a bit less time cleaning up...

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Work on dinner time triggers again.

What am I grateful for?

Baby is definitely not concussed - yay!

Day 6 - Monday, August 10th

What made me smile today?

Waking up to Baby sleeping peacefully in my bed this morning

Baby's huge smile when I came to pick him up from nursery

Baby's legs (I have a Baby leg fetish... perhaps it's partly because I know now that nearly all the movement I felt when I was pregnant was his legs constantly pushing against my tummy)

What triggered me today?

I've realised that I can deal with triggers perfectly fine when I'm not doing anything. For example, coming home on the district line today Baby was terribly restless and almost managed to wriggle out of the sling, the sling which I had tied so neatly was a complete shambles by the time we got home. All this I found very annoying, but I was able to avoid the bubbling explosion feeling, because I was just sitting on the tube doing nothing (besides pandering to Baby's constant wriggling).
On the other hand, during dinner I became disproportionately upset because Baby was eating very messily (which meant I would have a more difficult time cleaning up afterwards) and was making it very difficult for me to eat my dinner. And then he lost interest in eating and started waving and banging his spoon (as he usually does) while I was frantically trying to finish my own meal which I had put aside while I was trying to help him eat his. In the end he was ready to come out of his chair before I was finished, and if I don't finish my meal in one sitting I get irrationally irritated. What I need to do here is change my expectations - there will be a lot mess that I will have to clean up (wishful thinking if I hope otherwise), and be thankful I'm able to eat some dinner with him.

What would I have done differently today?

I would have dealt with my 'dinner feelings' better, but goodness, with me being so tired and hungry and it being so late already, I don't know how I would have.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Try to make sure I deal with dinner triggers. Baby eats messy - that's normal, he's still learning! I will probably not be able to finish my dinner - oh well!

What am I grateful for?

Baby is so forgiving - I make so many mistakes yet he still comes to me for cuddles and kisses.

Day 5 - Sunday, August 9th

What made me smile today?

Seeing Baby jump for the first time

Marvelling at how far Baby can walk, when he wants to

Baby pointing and shouting at the tree outside the window every time I talk to him about the tree on his stacking boxes

What triggered me today?

Too many things :( Baby rolling several times before I'd finished cleaning his bottom (he does this when he's tired), Baby standing up in his high chair before finishing his dinner (although this didn't really push me), Baby coming into the bathroom while I was dealing with his poopy nappy (totally my fault - he's just being curious like a normal toddler - I need to deal with this scenario better), Baby playing with the box by the bin, and so many more...
Both Baby and I were just too tired today. I do so much better when I've had a few more hours of sleep. How do I keep it together on hardly enough sleep?

What would I have done differently today?

I remember using a rather loud voice a lot today. I would have been less loud.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be less loud, as I am most likely going to be sleep deprived again tomorrow.

What am I grateful for?

Baby getting away with just a nasty a bruise on his head after falling backwards and hitting it on the coffee table. Thank goodness there was no blood, but I saw a very distinct indent in his head for quite a few minutes after it happened - babies' heads must be so soft! I was worried he had concussion, but I think he's ok...

Day 4 - Saturday, August 8th

What made me smile today?

Baby crawling under a blackboard sign (the ones that look like a A standing on the ground outside pubs and things) to escape the heat while we were out walking along the river

Baby putting his toys through the gaps onto the other side of the gate, then yelling at them because he could no longer reach them

What triggered me today?

Just before Baby's bedtime (which was late today because he napped late) he was walking around drinking from his cup of water and he spilled it. He was tired, and I was tired, I didn't quite catch the trigger in time but I knew exactly what had happened as soon as it happened. How can you catch these better when you're tired at the end of a long day?

What would I have done differently today?

Maybe I should not have watched the entire movie tonight in one sitting... I'm going to be so tired tomorrow!

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Try to remember in my tiredness to catch those triggers and just pause before reacting.

What am I grateful for?

Baby sleeping through til at least 1:30am, which meant I was able to finish watching an entire movie before going to bed. However that means I am going to sleep far too late.

Day 3 - Friday, August 7th

What made me smile today?

Tying Baby's hair into a ponytail this morning and seeing the photo - his hair is so lovely I can't bear to cut it, but that also means he is mistaken for a girl 100% of the time

Reading Baby's favourite book to him for something like the 10th time

Realising that when Baby sways from side to side it usually means he's *really* happy (and/or singing a song)

After months of using my arm as an elephant trunk as I make an elephant noise whenever we see a picture of an elephant (usually in his animal book) Baby this morning raised his arm and made a noise (not quite elephant like) when he saw the elephant in his animal book - my heart melted

What triggered me today?

This morning was full of triggers... both Baby and I were grumpy this morning. But 2 incidents stand out. The first was when I was pulling out Baby's chair for lunch - I raised my voice when he played with the box by the bin (something he is not allowed to do) and I moved him back to his play area. That incident came after many trying moments the entire morning... how does one not eventually get frustrated? The second was when I was cooking dinner he was playing by my feet and he ended up pulling out the panel underneath the oven - again I was frustrated because I was cooking and didn't have time to explain to him not to play with the panel. It's problematic because I do allow him to be with me in the kitchen while I'm cooking because I know he just wants to be close, but that does mean that the potential for triggers is much higher as my attention is divided - is there a better way?

What would I have done differently today?

I would have been less stern... I remember being rather stern today.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be a bit more efficient writing my journal entry? Why did today's take so long? Perhaps there was more to reflect on today.

What am I grateful for?

Baby is healthy and happy. Seeing fb posts from Friends of Finlay makes my heart cry - he's suffered so much, yet is still so strong and has so much spirit. He's not much older than Baby.

Day 2 - Thursday, August 6th

What made me smile today?

Enjoying a moment of just being together on the benches outside Tesco

Watching Baby explore the new playground we discovered by the river

What triggered me today?

Baby throwing 2 of his lovely cardboard boxes into the bathtub as I was preparing his bath - I spoke to him sternly about not throwing them in but perhaps my voice was too stern?

What would I have done differently today?

I would have written in my journal before doing my usual 'me' things. This post nearly did not get written (or at least posted in a timely manner) as Baby woke up fussing just as I was sitting down to write this... oops!

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Try to use the word 'no' with Baby less.

What am I grateful for?

Currently living so close to the river - Baby really seems to love anything to do with water now.

Day 1 - Wednesday, August 5th

What made me smile today?

Picking up Baby from nursery and seeing the joy in his face as he walked to me with his huge smile and arms open (will I say this every Mon/Tues/Wed? At the risk of appearing very repetitive I just might, but it really does make my heart swell every time)

Baby placing the cans so gently into the bowl - it made me realise he doesn't always throw them around!

Baby spending a good few minutes repeatedly bouncing up to stand on his tippy toes and back down again - I'm sure he's getting ready to jump, I think his first jump might be soon!

What triggered me today?

Baby repeatedly closing the sink stopper with his foot while I was cleaning him up after dinner... it doesn't always get to me but today it did, possibly because I was tired and still had a pile of things to do. But thankfully I saw it and didn't let it get to me! So it didn't escalate, I just took a very brief moment and then managed to finish cleaning him without feeling like I was losing it - yay!

What would I have done differently today?

I would not have raised my voice when Baby decided to roll before I had finished cleaning up his poopy bottom.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

I don't have anything specific in mind for tomorrow... but I'll try to remember to keep an eye on those triggers (as I should do every day).

What am I grateful for?

Oh so many things, but today I am thankful Baby was able to (finally, after much trouble) fall asleep on the tube ride home from work today.