Day 57 - Wednesday, September 30th

What made me smile today?

Baby examining my ears very closely today on the train ride home - he was looking for earrings

Baby enjoying spotting the planes around Canary Wharf

What triggered me today?

Dinner time... it's been such a long time since he's been rather messy. When I get a break from the messiness I forget how annoyed I can get when it is messy, and therefore I'm unprepared and tend to overreact. I don't think I was overly stern today, but I was very annoyed at the mess.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember to be gentle, voice, limited, triggers.

What am I grateful for?

Baby cried a bit on the train home today (nursery still stressing him out I think), and even though I was happy for him to let it out, I was still thankful that he didn't cry for too long, and there were no judgemental eyes (that I could see anyway). Again I'm grateful for being able to work 3 days a week.

Day 56 - Tuesday, September 29th

What made me smile today?

Baby giving me the cheekiest smiles on our way home from work

Baby eating whole beans for dinner - it is almost impossible to predict whether he will eat his vegetables or not

What triggered me today?

I wanted to read through the Waitrose magazine 'properly', i.e. one page at a time, sequentially. Normally when we read through books/magazines/newspapers together I let him turn the pages which means we read toddler style - skipping pages and going backwards and forwards. So i think I was a little bit too stern with him when I insisted on turning the pages and didn't let him turn the pages. I guess I should have just saved the magazine for when he was asleep (but I really didn't want to wait!) or accepted that I would have to read it toddler style if I was not going to wait (but I really wanted to read it adult style!)...

What would I have done differently today?

Saved the magazine for later?

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, limits, voice, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

Baby seemed better at nursery today. He did have a big cry after dinner though, which I think was still a result of not being used to going to nursery again. And he did just wake up crying 10 minutes ago, which I suspect is more nursery anxiety. At least he's getting it all out.

Day 55 - Monday, September 28th

What made me smile today?

Watching Baby at nursery before he noticed I was there to pick him up

Baby eating carrots at dinner - this was totally unexpected! I think it had something to do with needing something else (other than rice) to take the edge off the chicken curry...

What triggered me today?

Nothing - Baby had quite a few meltdowns today (including a couple on the tube home), I suspect due to the stress of going back to nursery after a nearly 2 week break. So today was understandably always going to be difficult for him. However I was able to remain pretty calm during all of it, even the crying on the tube!

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing, I think. Although I always find it difficult to find the right balance between giving Baby more attention and doing the things I need to do, like cook dinner and washing up after dinner. Today he did need more attention, because he was so stressed, but did I concede enough?

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, be gentle, voice, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Baby seems to be healthy and germ free so far! Even after a dog licked his hand yesterday - I completely forgot to clean his hands when we got back home so I was a little paranoid last night about Baby getting sick from that, but we seem to be in the clear.

Day 54 - Sunday, September 27th

What made me smile today?

Baby's good mood this morning, as he'd had plenty of sleep

Baby's chattering after he woke up from his nap in the afternoon, and spending his time relatively independently

Baby slowly waking up from his nap after I called his name very loudly (I didn't want him to nap too long as it was rather late) and then his smiles and giggles as I decided to be silly with him while he was waking up

What triggered me today?

Baby was in a bit of a testing mood today, doing things he knew he was not allowed to do a few times today. So he kind of got on my nerves, but I think I had them mostly under control. Just before lunch he was playing with a pack of tomatoes and sitting on the box by the recycling bin, and he was hitting the bin which I don't allow - and he was very clearly hitting the bin knowing he was not allowed. I ended up moving him away - there were some tears but it was all ok in the end.

What would I have done differently today?

I wouldn't have done this differently perhaps, but I need to figure out what my stance is on Baby's access to the main table. I haven't decided whether to allow him, but this indecision means I don't know really how to react when he insists on climbing onto one of the chairs so that he can play with whatever is on the table. I need to figure this out soon otherwise it's just going to be too confusing for poor Baby.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, limits, voice, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

Baby sleeping in til 10 this morning - a record first for a healthy Baby! This I was extremely grateful for, as I only went to sleep at 2am that morning. Baby's dad giving him a bath so I was able to get some work week prep done.

Day 53 - Saturday, September 26th

What made me smile today?

Baby's ginormous tummy after dinner - he ate a lot of pasta

Baby eating ice cream from an ice cream cone with a tiny spoon and loving it - it's the first time he's liked ice cream

The gaggle of geese honking at Baby at the farm - poor thing I hope he doesn't have nightmares about being attacked by geese tonight!

The way Baby kicks his legs and smiles when I say 'look at those legs' while I'm changing his nappy

What triggered me today?

As we were leaving the farm to make our way to the food market for lunch I had to check my phone to find out how to get to the market. baby was hungry (maybe closer to ravenous) at that point and couldn't stop reaching for my phone and as I was probably also running on almost empty I got rather angry. I ended up feeding half a rice cracker and was then able to check my phone in relative peace. I think that probably was the best thing to do. The same thing happened again after we'd had something to eat from the market - I needed to check my phone again to find out how to find the other market which was supposedly close by, but this time he was thirsty instead of hungry. I probably overreacted, as he wasn't being all that annoying but I think as I'd already been triggered exactly the same way earlier it didn't take much for me to overreact. Another trigger to watch out for. I do avoid using my phone while I'm carrying him in the sling, but sometimes it is unavoidable...

What would I have done differently today?

Again food related - I ended up only starting to prepare dinner so that it would be ready for 7. I thought Baby would have been ok with dinner this late, but it turns out he was not. He

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, voice, limits, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

The sunshine being out in all its glory, and for the wonderful day out in the farm and then in the food market afterwards.

Day 52 - Friday, September 25th

No journal entry today - spent my time watching a movie (The Drop) instead! I did intend to write after the movie finished, but Baby woke up crying and so it was bed time for me.

Day 51 - Thursday, September 24th

What made me smile today?

Baby wanting to go out in his pyjamas to see the rabbits, presumably from yesterday's trip to the farm

Baby bouncing up and down excitedly when we talked about rabbits

Baby holding onto my arm while falling asleep, and refusing to let go (he seemed particularly attached tonight)

What triggered me today?

Nothing major... although I did get annoyed when he continued to play with the towel rack in the bathroom even though I asked him to stop - which resulted in his banishment from the bathroom while I continued to use it. He was not too happy about being banished. Twice. Also sometimes he can be a bit rough with me (lately he's started 'moving' me around to get me to do what he wants me to do, which still isn't always clear anyway) and this can irritate me. I probably need to be more aware of this so I don't let it trigger me too much.

What would I have done differently today?

I think I should have written this post earlier so I could have slept earlier. Hopefully I won't be too sleep deprived tomorrow.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember to be gentle, voice, limits, triggers.

What am I grateful for?

Being able to do some late night baking - he did wake up just before I was ready to pop the cakes into the oven but he is a relatively good sleeper. I think if I had a bad sleeper I wouldn't be able to get any baking done at all.

Day 50 - Wednesday, September 23rd

What made me smile today?

Baby in his sling, looking up at me and giving me his sweetest smile

Baby sitting in his toy box on top of all his toys - it doesn't look that comfortable but he seemed comfy!

What triggered me today?

Nothing toooo major... I did get a little annoyed at him for using his feet to kick at the things on the sink, so I washed his hands in a position that he does not like. He ended up disproportionately upset, turns out because he was overly tired (he ended up crying himself to sleep in my lap).

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing, I think?

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember limits, be gentle, voice, triggers.

What am I grateful for?

My sister being able to visit for a week.

Day 49 - Tuesday, September 22nd

What made me smile today?

Baby has started putting his hand to his mouth and making a cute little noise whenever a food item is mentioned

Baby happy and relaxed in the bathtub tonight

What triggered me today?

Nothing - having my sister around really helps!

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember limits, triggers, be gentle, voice

What am I grateful for?

My sister being around and helping out so much. Being able to delay the washing load for as long as I have... unfortunately I think I can only delay it another day before I really need to do another one.

Day 48 - Monday, September 21st

What made me smile today?

Baby’s joy when he makes his saliva bubbles

Baby’s new haircut - I did it all on my own! I was so worried about cutting off all those long luscious locks… I will miss them

What triggered me today?

Nothing - spent nearly the entire morning sleeping off my tummy bug, and it seems as though Baby slept it off with me too.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, voice, limits, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

The worst of the nausea seems to be over. My sister helping me out, even though she was feeling below average (so sorry for the germy house!)

Day 47 - Sunday, September 20th

What made me smile today?

Baby attempting to stick the metal lid to the oven door - he thought it was magnetic

Baby's cheeky smile all day

Baby asleep in my sling

What triggered me today?

Nothing!

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing... if only I knew how I could have avoided the vomit! (see below)

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember limits, voice, be gentle, triggers.

What am I grateful for?

Feeling so much better after a good puke, after suffering for a couple of hours this evening. It looks like I have caught the Baby tummy bug. Also grateful that he seemed pretty much back to normal today, and was able to spend pretty much the entire day out. And so thankful for my sis and Baby's daddy looking after Baby while I was completely out of it in the evening.

Day 46 - Saturday, September 19th

What made me smile today?

Baby running in and out of the bathroom as he waited for his bath to fill up

Baby giving me my pyjama bottoms when I said I needed to find my trousers to change into

What triggered me today?

Nothing! The good thing about tummy bugs is meals are incredibly mess free.

What would I have done differently today?

I would not have cut Baby's fringe so short? But how could I have known??

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, limits, voice, be gentle.

What am I grateful for?

Baby holding his lunch and dinner in - hopefully he is over the tummy bug! No vomit today. No fevers today. My sister helping with the dishes and dinner prep again.

Day 45 - Friday, September 18th

What made me smile today?

Baby yelling as he ran up and down the corridor

Sitting on the springy see saw with Baby and my sister at the playground

Discovering that Baby puts his hand to his mouth and makes a little noise when we talk about food that you can eat

Baby blowing bubbles into his cup... soooo cute

From yesterday - Baby discovering that he can make saliva bubbles with his mouth

What triggered me today?

Nothing... even though we woke up earlier than I would have liked, we did ok today.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing. Although I do remember last night I told Baby he couldn't pull out his toy box to play with the toys, that he could only choose a book to read as it was close to bed time, but then I let him play with his small blue tub of 'stuff'... should I have stuck to my limit...? I probably should have...

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember to be gentle, limits, triggers, voice.

What am I grateful for?

Baby still being so happy and playful even though he obviously wasn't feeling well tonight (having thrown up his entire dinner :( ) and my sister for washing up the dishes again and helping me with my chores tonight, which enabled me to have time to write this and and more me time.

Day 44 - Thursday, September 17th

What made me smile today?

Baby running around the house with my shirt as a cape

Baby's incessant yelping at everything he saw while we were out in St James's Park

The huge smile and pure happiness in his face as he looked up at me when we were walking around central London (I get the feeling he likes being out in central London - I see this face at least once whenever we venture into town)

Baby running up to me with a huge smile and arms open when I came home from my doctor's appointment this afternoon

What triggered me today?

Nothing today - recovering from hand foot and mouth disease (I know - doctor told me it was tonsillitis, but we realised just this morning that it must be hand foot and mouth, due to the appearance of mouth ulcers and random sensitive spots on the hands and feet...) and having my sister around, and being out for most of the day all usually mean there is too much going on for there to be any triggers. Having a strange dream about losing your Baby might also influence things a little...

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember voice, be gentle, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

That I haven't lost Baby yet (it wasn't a very nice feeling realising that I may have lost my Baby, in my dream of course). For my sister doing the dishes tonight.

Day 43 - Wednesday, September 16th

Unfortunately no blog post today.... just got too sidetracked by the internet and then Baby called before I could start on the post... oops!

Day 42 - Tuesday, September 15th

What made me smile today?

Baby picking up his nappy and taking it to the bin - I let him attempt to throw it away, but unfortunately he missed

Seeing Baby come home from nursery - Daddy took him to nursery for me so I could get more sleep and rest

And from yesterday - the fly landed on his chair again, I thought he was ok with the fly by now but he still made his upset noise and moved as far away from the fly as possible

What triggered me today?

Nothing - we didn't have much time together today, and I had a whole day at home on my own.

What would I have done differently today?

Perhaps I would have bathed Baby earlier, so we wouldn't have needed to use the hair dryer.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember limits, be gentle, triggers, voice.

What am I grateful for?

Daddy taking Baby into nursery for me today. Not needing to take any more drugs since early this afternoon... hopefully I can stay off the drugs!

Day 41 - Monday, September 14th

No post for today as I was stricken by tonsillitis, aches and pains all over :(

Day 40 - Sunday, September 13th

What made me smile today?

Baby helping me tidy up his mess before lunch

Baby falling asleep in the sling after our walk this afternoon

Baby squeezing himself between a low brick wall and a pole - I didn't think he could squeeze through (he has a big tummy!) but he did!

What triggered me today?

It wasn't too bad today. The biggest thing was probably Baby drinking water a bit before bed time and then deciding to spit out a mouthful, meaning he needed a change of pyjamas. Note that today, after every meal he needed a change of shirt because he somehow managed to soak his clothes... he loves to spit/spill water all over himself. I told him he was naughty while I was changing his pyjamas... which I shouldn't have done.

What would I have done differently today?

I would have thought twice about calling Baby naughty.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle, remember limits (I think I did this ok today!), triggers, voice.

What am I grateful for?

The weather turning out rather pleasant today, which meant we had a nice walk this afternoon.

Day 39 - Saturday, Setpember 12th

What made me smile today?

Baby spotting planes

Baby playing by himself while I was washing the dinner dishes (I *almost* finished washing the dishes before he started going crazy for my attention)

Winding down with Baby before bed time

What triggered me today?

They were only little triggers today but for some reason with disproportionately larger responses :( Baby was pulling away at the toilet roll holder while I was in the toilet, so obviously I couldn't really do anything... so when I was ready to remove him from the bathroom I'd already lost patience and didn't think before holding his hands to stop him from pulling on the toilet roll holder. Then in the afternoon he stood on my leg (as he always does) while reaching for his chair and I wasn't able to tolerate him climbing all over me anymore so I pulled my leg away but he tripped and hurt his head as I did so.

What would I have done differently today?

I would have been more gentle, would an extra moment have helped?

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle! Voice, limits, triggers... perhaps be more accepting of the feelings of frustration/annoyance/etc and then discard them somehow...

What am I grateful for?

Baby's fever has gone! His temperature was normal today.

Day 38 - Friday, September 11th

What made me smile today?

This shouldn't make me smile, but seeing Baby's look of terror on his face as he watched the fly (that has not been able to escape since last night) land on his chair and wander around... Baby doesn't seem to like flies

Baby is so incredibly helpful during bath time - when it's time for bath he'll come with me into the bathroom and put the door stop in for me (omg my heart melts every time he does this, which is pretty much every day). He often comes with a container of some sort so he can catch the water as I'm washing down the bathtub before filling it, and then he'll stand by the bathtub and watch as it fills up while I collect some random toys for him to throw into the bathtub (and maybe have a sneaky glance at my phone too).

What triggered me today?

We had a good day today. It really helped that Baby was so good today - he just wanted to sit in his chair after all the meals so I had time to wash up the dishes, and he mostly played by himself while I was getting dinner ready. Washing dishes and cooking are the only times I need him to be be ok on his own, and today he was! Perhaps he was a bit more mellow as he was a little bit sick, but I'd like to think that he was just having a good day today.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing at all.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle, voice, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Baby's high temperature not venturing into the danger zone today, and coming back to normal by the end of the day. Hopefully tomorrow his temperature will be all clear.

Day 37 - Thursday, September 10th

What made me smile today?

Baby stomping about in the small pile of dried leaves under the bridge - I will definitely see more of this when autumn fully sets in I think :)

Baby walking around the house in his wellies

What triggered me today?

I was pretty awful today :( On our way back from my haircut I decided to stop off at the butcher to pick up our dinner, and Baby was very fidgety, being tired but not quite tired enough to nap. I hadn't eaten since breakfast so I was running on empty and was overdressed for the hot sun. Combination of no food (although I wasn't feeling hungry) very hot and bothered, and fidgety baby was just too much and I couldn't get rid of my annoyance, even though I did try. I ended up snapping rather harshly at him for fidgeting while I was trying to get everything ready so I could let him out of the sling.

What would I have done differently today?

I don't know - I just don't seem to have the emotional maturity to get myself to think and behave rationally. I can recognise when I'm in the danger zone, but I didn't know how to get out of it today.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Beware of that super danger zone - think about how to get myself out of it. And the usual be aware of those triggers, be gentle, quiet voice.

What am I grateful for?

All the sunshine we had today. No cars on the road when Baby decided to run out from the footpath onto it.

Day 36 - Wednesday, September 9th

What made me smile today?

Baby giving me a hug when I asked for one

Seeing Baby's gum boots that I bought for him (they arrived today!)

Baby seemingly comforted (and almost being lulled to sleep!) by me repeatedly singing the wheels on the bus while I washed the dinner dishes

What triggered me today?

I was alone while preparing dinner today, so he was very whiney (as he always is when we're alone and I'm cooking dinner). It gets rather difficult to accept his whining. I don't think I said or did anything as a result of my own annoyance, but perhaps I could have been more understanding.

What would I have done differently today?

See above.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle, voice, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Being able to work 3 days a week, and also so thankful my weekend starts tomorrow.

Day 35 - Tuesday, September 8th

What made me smile today?

The look of happiness on Baby's face when he sees me when I come to pick him up from nursery... every day this melts my heart

Baby playing with his ball just before bed, especially his excitement when he was able to catch the ball

The sound of Baby's feet as he runs into and out of the bathroom as he waits for the bath tub to fill up

The huge smile on Baby's face when he saw there was some cake to eat after dinner

What triggered me today?

We almost had a disaster at dinner (I think he didn't like the look of his whizzed up spinach and pesto pasta) but we both managed to pull it together somehow, so it ended up being a relatively peaceful day today.

What would I have done differently today?

Maybe not have given Baby that whole banana to eat just before dinner... half would have been enough I think.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle, remember voice, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Baby's passport and related documents all arriving safely yesterday.

Day 34 - Monday, September 7th

What made me smile today?

Baby playing so well with his paddle pop sticks just before bed

Baby making his elephant noise when he saw a picture of some rhinos in the paper

Baby climbing into his toy box

Baby taking his tin of paper graze tokens out of his toy box after I just casually mentioned knowing where he could find more tokens (as he'd found a couple lying around on the table) - I did not expect him to remember as it has been ages since he's played with that tin

And how did I forget - Baby running across the couch in just his nappy, for fun, and to escape having his tshirt put on

What triggered me today?

Baby not being able to tell me that he's ready to come out of his high chair (which means he tries to come out by himself, which could end in disastrous tears). Baby not wanting to sit still in the bathroom to wash up after dinner. Some more mountains for me to think about, and then climb.

What would I have done differently today?

Been more gentle.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember to be gentle, voice, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Being able to sit down relatively early tonight, with enough time to watch half of Exodus!

Day 33 - Sunday, September 6th

What made me smile today?

Baby having endless amounts of fun playing with the paper stuffing from the box of chocolates I bought for Aussie daddy's day

Baby is getting very good at spotting planes in the sky now - he spotted so many today on our walk

Enjoying our walk along the river - as it was low tide today there were more birds to spot

What triggered me today?

Nothing - not even sure why as I was tired today, and I think I'm coming down with a cold. I think it might have something to do with the not so great past few days.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing :)

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle, quiet voice, triggers, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Having such a good day today, even though I was tired and feeling a bit rough.

Day 32 - Saturday, September 5th

What made me smile today?

Singing row row row your boat for Baby at Clara's place for the umpteenth time and seeing how much he still enjoyed it

Baby playing with Clara's cats

What triggered me today?

Didn't really have any triggers today - tends to happen when we spend the whole day out. I also cheated and decided to eat dinner out - I just didn't have the energy to do the dinner clean up tonight.

What would I have done differently today?

I think we were ok today.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Be gentle, limits, voice, temper.

What am I grateful for?

Baby surviving the afternoon at Clara's despite having only a 3 minute nap beforehand. Baby generally being able to sleep through the first half (or part) of his night at least, which lets me do the various things I need to do before I can go to sleep.

Day 31 - Friday, September 4th

No diary entry for today, as I had overcommitted myself (baking, dinner prep, washing... too much!).
But I do remember being unnecessarily angry over things which annoyed me, but I shouldn't have snapped at Baby :(

Day 30 - Thursday, September 3rd

What made me smile today?

Baby surprising me by carrying the 4 pack of baked beans around this evening, until he got too tired to keep going (I didn't think he would be able to carry it! That's nearly or at least 2kg worth of baked beans there!)

Baby carrying one of my shopping bags while I was carrying him in my sling this afternoon - I might be able to make a habit of this :)

Baby unexpectedly falling asleep on the tube in to meet Clara for lunch

Baby enjoying watching the birds in the pond in St James's Park

Baby shaking his head every time I ask him if he's done a poo, even though I'm pretty sure he knows he's done one, and he is just trying to avoid having his nappy changed

What triggered me today?

Not really related to Baby, but not being able to rebook a delivery through the DX website - how difficult is it to get that functionality to work. At least I was able to rebook the delivery using the automated system over the phone, but that was so much more time consuming. I did also feel that bubble during dinner as Baby was being incredibly difficult, but I was able to let that diffuse, knowing he was extremely tired.

What would I have done differently today?

We were ok today - thanks to enough sleep.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Triggers, voice, be gentle, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Baby is in generally good health - no cold, no fever, nothing. I hope I haven't jinxed it.

Day 29 - Wednesday, September 2nd

What made me smile today?

Seeing Baby again when I went to pick him up from nursery (and his voluminous hair! I think the girls had been playing with it...)

Baby playing on the couch

What triggered me today?

I was so tired after work today, despite unintentionally sleeping in an extra 30 minutes. This led to grumpiness and an inability to regulate my grumpy anger, and I unfortunately couldn't stop myself from reacting :( It wasn't directed at Baby at all though, I directed it towards myself, but Baby was still affected :(

What would I have done differently today?

I would have tried, despite my tiredness, not to react to my grumpiness.

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Triggers, emotions, voice, be gentle, limits.

What am I grateful for?

Email confirmation (which we received the other day) of Baby's passport application being approved!

Day 28 - Tuesday, September 1st

What made me smile today?

Baby rubbing his hands together when I moisturised my own hands (he's actually been doing this for a while now, I've only just remembered!)

Baby making his elephant noise when he saw the picture of the zebra in his new animal book (it's a long story... sigh)

Baby running in and out of the bathroom while waiting for the bathtub to fill up for his bath

Baby eating my spiral pasta pieces for dinner, and not the pasta I whizzed up for him

What triggered me today?

We did ok today - that's what limited time together and another adult around will do. I did however forget about one from yesterday - Baby just hanging out in the bathroom really annoyed me for some reason yesterday (probably the lack of sleep did not help). I could have handled my annoyance better, but at the same time it really could have been much worse - I stopped myself before I got childish! That's what being an adult is about isn't it? Unfortunately I think I have the emotional capability of a 5 year old.

What would I have done differently today?

Nothing - we did ok today :)

What will I try to do tomorrow?

Remember triggers, limits, be gentle, voice. I will be tired.

What am I grateful for?

Our peaceful journey home today.